Cuntcentric

Feel grouchy and sad and tired of being uncomfortable no matter how I sit and I just want to be left alone.

everything feels terrible and i need to leave asap just for a few hours but i don’t have anywhere to go. i think i’ll just drive around? 

everything feels yucky and bad. i want me and willa to be adopted by a lesbian commune full of cats and love and mothering. 

laying in bed next to j

crying as silently as possible because my heart is breaking but i don’t want to wake him up. he works so hard for us. he gives up so much for us. he should be able to sleep.

moving in with my family was a huge mistake. i was desperate because we need to save money but this was a mistake. my dad is a controlling asshole with a violent streak. my mom is constantly judging me for my parenting choices and childbirth choices. it’s like she wants me to fail so she can swoop in and save the day and show me up. one of my sisters keeps talking about how she doesn’t like babies and doesn’t want to be around them. my brother is the main target of my dad’s controlling behavior and sisters’ verbal abuse. 

this is not a healthy place to live. this is not a healthy place to raise my child. but i don’t even know how we could afford to move out. i feel so desperate and sad and helpless and trapped. i know there are other people who live with their families of origin while trying to start their new family as healthfully as possible but i don’t know how to find them. i need hope that everything will be okay. that we can protect our daughter from my family’s collective crazy, especially my dad. i need to know that i can be a mother the way i want to while living with my own mother who reminds me that she thinks my ideas and skills are bullshit whenever possible. i need to know that i can protect my daughter from the racism, sexism, homophobia and general grossness of my family even while we live them. i need to know we’re not alone. 

my mom and i were watching glee with my dad and little bro in the room. i don’t really watch glee, but it’s a recent episode featuring a character attempting suicide because of anti-gay harassment. every time kurt or that character was on screen, my dad would tell my brother to leave the room. my brother would come back in after those characters were off screen. with five minutes left, my dad looked up from his ipad and yelled at my brother to “stay out of the fucking room when this show is on.” he made him cry. 

my mom was upset but didn’t say anything to my dad because it’s not worth starting a fight. she just took my brother out of the house for awhile and when they came back i was like, “what the hell?” and she said, “he can’t handle it because he’s so insecure in his own issues.” 

my dad doesn’t know that i’m queer and have dated people who are not men. i think about telling him sometimes but then i think, “what’s the point? i’m committed to a man and having a baby. my family would just think i was causing problems.”

but now i’m sitting in another room feeling confused and shaken up and crying and it feels really awful.