I had my baby two weeks ago today! She was born gently in the water on a sunny afternoon. No drugs, no tearing. J was in the tub with me and my mom and doula were next to me. I was in early labor for about 72 hours and active labor for about 18. Pushed for 45 minutes! I had exactly the birth I hoped for and my daughter is perfect. Our postpartum period has been a dream—total babymoon. I’m holding her and she’s looking up at me with her big dark eyes. I’m so in love with her, with j and with our little family.

1. you asked me more than once if i was going to abort my pregnancy, even after i told you ‘no’ every time you asked. you can ask that once (if you really need to) and then you should just assume the answer is the same unless i tell you otherwise. asking me, “so you’re really keeping it?” for the third time in the middle of a conversation about how excited i am when i’m starting the second trimester is pretty fucked up.

2. you continue to spend time with my ex boyfriend and consider him a “close friend” even though i have told you about the multiple times he raped me and sexually abused me THREE+ YEARS AGO.

3. you are a republican, so there’s that, but i do have relatives who are republicans, so that’s not a total dealbreaker. they’re just not assholes who socialize with my rapist and want me to abort my pregnancy.

in conclusion,

awwwwwww maaannn, J just gave me a bombass foot rub. i just want someone to be rubbing my feet ALL THE TIME, never stopping.

38 weeks. full of fluid, everywhere. all of me is swollen and puffy and huge and achy and uncomfortable.

baby is doing well, as usual :) 

decided not to ask for a cervical check…want to trust that my body is doing what it needs to do in the time that is right for it. me knowing how dilated i am (or am not) does nothing to make me progress faster, so there’s really no point in knowing.

i had my tarot read on saturday and among the other insights i gained, the woman told me that my delivery will be easy if i remember to “let go” and let my body and the baby do what they need to do. not fight. just let go. i’m practicing this, because it doesn’t come naturally to me…but i see the wisdom and i want an easy delivery, for me and for my daughter. so i will let go and let my body do what it’s gonna do.

amyprimeface:

Random things I miss about not being pregnant

• Buying cute underwear and bras. It is pointless to get cute under garments until this little guy comes out. Might be one of the first things I buy to boost my self esteem
• Guilt free hair dying.  Technically it is okay to dye your hair.. just have to make sure it is not super powerful stuff. I miss being able to randomly buy some bleach and give myself a funky color. I am thinking I will go red after the baby is born.
• Ignoring hunger. I am hungry 24/7 while pregnant. If I was not pregnant and I had just eaten a meal I could tell myself to get over it and chug water. While pregnant I get super paranoid that Grayson needs more food.
• Sex. Sex while pregnant blows. It is fun in the beginning.. But right now I hate it. I am giant and awkward and everything hurts.
• Sleeping on my stomach or my back
• I miss the occasional glass of wine or beer. 
• Guilt free coffee drinking. I freaking love coffee.. and I do still have the occasional cup.. but it will be nice to drink it without being paranoid.

ALL OF THIS. Especially the eating and sex parts. I’m SO READY to have sex without a gigantic baby in the way. And without having contractions for an hour after an orgasm. I love you baby, but you’re killing my libido. 

if my baby were born today, we would have the same birthday, twenty-four years apart.

but after being all excited all week about “omg! full term! baby could come any minute!” i’ve realized that she’s just not going to come until the end of the month. i just feel it in my bones. so we won’t have the same birthday, but that’s fine…we gots to space our cakes out a bit. 

Midwife agrees that baby is about six pounds and her head is *down* and engaged! woo. No idea what my cervix is doing because she didn’t check, but I think i’ll ask for a check at my appointment next week. I’m achy “down there” all the time, so it’d be nice to know if the aches are from progress being made :) We also talked about how I seem to be carrying her very internally (my belly makes me look about 5-6 months pregnant, but this girl is all up in my ribs/lungs/guts). I just love how my midwife validates my feelings and the fact that she’s really pro-natural birth (she’s pregnant and planning a homebirth!), so I can trust her opinions on interventions, etc. Feel very blessed. “Full term” this week! OMG.

laying around with my kitty, eating applesauce, watching a movie (pariah!) and thinking about how much i want to see your face. i dreamt about seeing it, but all i could see in my dream was the little profile from the ultrasound. after waking up, while still half asleep, i thought maybe i should just go and get a c-section ASAP so i could see you faster. i can’t wait to see you, to kiss your sweet face and hold you close. some on baby, come on. 

I caught the noro virus that two of my sisters have had this week. I feel like death on a triscuit. Glad to have this at 36 weeks. Awesome.